The Juice Diet

posted by : Jon Kroupa on 09/11/2011
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Related Comic: The Juicer

This last week I decided to go with a juice based diet. This was significantly harder than I expected it to be.

The Diet:

Using a blender or juicer convert all your solid fruits and vegetables into significantly less satifying liquid forms. Juice diets (often called juice fasting, or de-tox diets) generally last between 2-7 days. I originally planned on juicing for the first 2.5 days, having a solid dinner Wednesday evening, and then juicing again until Sunday.

The Experience:

This is not my first experience with juicing. In high school they called me "Juicing Jonny", but that had a lot more to do with my steroid abuse, and a lot less to do with my diet. In college it was "So Strung Out On Juice He's Barely Able To Function Kroupa." An admittedly cumbersome title, but accurate. When I worked for the mob my hitman name was Jonny "The Juicer" Juicer. Nowadays most people just know me as "Homeless Washed Up Juicer."

Here is a list of possible "minor discomforts" you may experience while on a juice diet:

  • light headedness / dizziness
  • constipation or diarrhea
  • stomach ache
  • increased dreaming
  • changes in sleep patterns
  • aches and pains
  • headaches

These discomforts can at times be worse than minor.

Monday I was away from home, so I had low-sodium v8 and Jamba Juice for most of the day. I discovered that very few Jamba Juice items do not contain either yogurt or sherbet, but I ordered an all fruit smoothie that had neither. That evening I decided to be a bold explorer and I juiced carrots, celery, tomato, cucumber, and a banana together. This was a terrible terrible mistake. First of all you can't juice a banana, you explode it. Second of all, you shouldn't just haphazardly juice a bunch of random items, because you will create an abomination. Leave the recipes to the professionals. Also on Monday I spent 2 hours at a place called Jump-On-It, in which you endless jump on trampolines.

Tuesday morning I went jogging with a friend and then blended a fruit cocktail together and choked it down before heading to work. Due to the complexities of juicing at work I decided I would just consume low-sodium v8 during the day. Towards the end of the work day I was starting to feel pretty groggy, and when I got home, instead of going to my Aikido class like I intended, I instead fell asleep for a couple of hours. When I woke up I juiced some carrots and grapefruit together. I had read a recipe that called for carrots and oranges, but at the time I had no oranges. While this produced juice significantly less worse than what I had made the previous night, it was still pretty bad. Normally if I take a nap it will destroy my sleep schedule, but I became quite tired again and went to bed right after midnight. My back was extremely sore all day from the previous day's activity of jumping for 2 hours.

Wednesday was an unpleasant day. I had already decided at the beginning of the week that Wednesday evening I would have some solid food, but I wasn't prepared for how bad the time leading up to that would be. I consumed essentially the same "food" I had on Tuesday, except I secured a couple of oranges to mix with my carrot juice. This really didn't improve the taste much. All day long I had headaches, stomach aches, and felt dizzy. At one point I nearly fell asleep in a meeting, and I was having a terrible time focusing. Normally on a Wednesday I'll go down to the gym at work and lift weights and do some cardio, because of my condition I decided not to try and do that. That evening I had a veggie omelet (fake egg white substitute), multi-grain pancakes, a little fruit, and a sugar free slice of apple pie for dinner. Later that evening I had some chocolate milk and some red velvet cookies.

Thursday I woke up feeling a little better, but my headache continued throughout the day. After my experience on Wednesday I realized that I could not continue to only consume juice for the next few days, because I would not be able to teach my class at the community college. So for lunch I had mexican food instead of crappy v8. One side note, if you consume lots of v8 day-in and day-out, it becomes worse. I made some bread from scratch in the evening and had that for dinner along with some solid fruit.

Friday I had solid fruit for breakfast, a tuscan wrap for lunch, and the rest of my bread for dinner. I consumed zero juice on Friday.

Saturday I wanted to finish off the remainder of food I had bought for juicing, so I had carrots, cucumber, and apple juice for breakfast. Not bad, not great, but not too terrible. I had a Jamba Juice in the afternoon, and in the evening I had three glasses of carrots, cucumber, apple, orange, and grapefruit. Grapefruit will basically overpower most of the other flavors in a juice.

A few things I learned on this diet:

  1. Carrot juice will stain your dish rags, your plastic ware, and your soul.
  2. Though you may only have juice 4-5 times in a day, you will drink from the goblet of unhappiness constantly.
  3. When a "friend" recommends a juicing diet to you, it is not out of love.

The Result:

I ended up losing 2.2 pounds, basically the weight that I had gained back on the Subway Diet. This is the first diet in which I had to essentially give up (or severely modify) in order to complete the week. I don't think I will be doing this diet ever again. It isn't worth all the "minor discomforts."

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